Some days I am like an oyster.
I’ve written before that it’s a challenge to be positive, but a phenomenal one. It happens to me every so often when I am over tired, or stressed, or simply hormonal. I become more negative than positive. I recognize the signs right away. I will start to envy people or even become a tad jealous. I wonder why not me?
I see people achieving things that I am not close to achieving and I wonder why am I not there yet? Why do I not have the success I want? More readers on my blog, more comments that are organic. More validation as dare I even say it, a writer? I forget how far I’ve come. How much I’ve learned.
I lose my sense of direction. I wonder why am I not good enough for those people I try to connect with? Is my content not edgy enough or trendy enough? Is it really who you know? In that aspect it feels so much like high school.
So what do I do when I feel like this? I retreat. I close and seal myself off just like an oyster but the problem is there’s the constant irritation like sand stuck to me. Rubbing me in all the wrong ways. My normally high self-esteem which protects me like a well-worn shield becomes thin and heavy.
This is not who I am. The envy of others can eat me up if I let it. The jealousy swift and cruel can consume me and cover my normally happy self with the mask of someone I don’t know. I hurt when I feel this way. I yearn for my positivity. I search for it and find it. It comes crashing into me like waves, washing over me, comforting me, lulling me back to myself.
Perspective sits in my mind and plays itself for me like the finest Shakespearean theatre. It’s time to lay it all on the table. I know my writing is to help me be a better person but it is also to help others do the same. I wrote to ease the grief I felt at the loss of my mother. I wrote to celebrate the joys of being alive, being a wife and a mom.
I write now still for the love of writing. For the love of words, used so eloquently, so joyfully, to say what I mean to say. I am still learning and evolving as a blogger. My content comes from the heart. It’s positively heartfelt. Losing focus of what it means to me means losing myself.
Back to perspective. To battle the negatives with positives, duelling hard so I can pull myself back up from the depths. I am grateful for the people who do read my words. My memories. Validation can’t come from anyone else. It has to come from within me. I know as long as I am happy with the content I create, nothing else matters. I think secretly as bloggers we all want the comments & the attention. It’s like applause that lets us know we’re doing alright.
The envy and jealousy irritate with good reason. I know deep down that sometimes people don’t know how to connect. Sometimes people are great online but not so great at being social in person. I count myself lucky that I am both. I count myself doubly lucky for the people I’ve met who are the same. People I am lucky enough to call my friends.
And after a day or two of being closed off and just watching the world, this oyster opens up. I’m renewed. I’m changed. I am better. In the midst of all the stormy emotions, those foreign feelings that irritated the crap out of me have become something beautiful. My self esteems surrounds me. I feel an inner beauty. An inner glow. My positivity is back. I smile to myself as I realize than only an oyster can take a grain of sand and turn it into a lustrous beautiful pearl.
If with my blog, my writing and my positivity I can help just one person sail their own stormy seas and come out the other end smiling. Well that is worth its weight in gold. Or better yet worth its weight in pearls.